What's Your Problem?

A couple weeks ago I was at the grocery store with the girls. Rebecca was having a hard time, talking back and misbehaving. As we were leaving the store, I pulled her aside and asked her, "What's your problem today?" Here immediate response was, "You!" This was a little shocking to me. But it has really stuck with me. How often are the problems I am having with my children's behavior really of my own doing? Are they displaying developmentally appropriate behavior that I am overreacting to? Am I reacting to what they are doing, rather than taking the time to really think about how I can help teach them appropriate behavior? I remember listening to a talk given by a family therapist where he said that most of the disagreements at the dinner table are caused by the parents. How many times do I say, "Sit down, don't use your fingers, quit playing, just eat, etc." during dinner? How can I change my response to teach rather than just nitpick?

Yesterday I saw a note Rebecca had written on the dry erase board. It said, "No one likes me. Everyone hates me. Read now." What a sad thing to read. I hurt that she feels this way. I know this is pretty typical behavior-- I got in trouble so I am not loved. But am I spending at least as much time reinforcing her good behavior and telling her how much I love her as I am correcting and criticizing? Again, yesterday afternoon we were at the grocery store. Joseph went to sleep as we were driving there. I asked Rebecca to push the cart so I could carry Joseph and get the items we needed off the shelves. As we were shopping, I really paid attention to how I interacted with Rebecca. I noticed that even as I was so grateful for her help, I heard myself asking her not to play with the cart, be careful not to run into people or displays, wait for me-- you get the picture. When I noticed what I was doing, I stopped and reminded myself that she was doing great. I had done many of the same things as a child that she was doing now. And the store was pretty empty, so it didn't matter if we were going down the middle of the aisle.

Rebecca, I want you to know I do love you. You are a wonderful daughter. I appreciate how obedient you are. You are amazingly helpful. You are willing to do anything I ask. You are kind to your brother and sister. You are developing a great faith in our Heavenly Father. You are intelligent. You are a good friend. I would do anything for you. I would sacrifice anything for you. You are a beautiful daughter of God, and I am so grateful to be entrusted with your care. I will try to be better at commenting on the good you do, and be more sensitive to correcting you. Please forgive your mother for making mistakes and being human, too.